A Roll of the Dice

"Don't worry about failure...Worry about the chances you miss when you don't even try."

I have always been one that has been up for almost anything...a new experience, a new vacation place or even a new overall adventure...taking chances and risks really partially defined who I am/was.  Though, not in all areas of my life is it that easy. The one place I remain guarded is in my personal life. The fear of failure has always won out over my sense of letting go and opening up.  The fear of heartache tended to control whether I let in others and trust or whether I kept myself guarded and distant. As I have grown older, and experience new things, I have come to realize that, that is not the life I want to live.

I have had to make the conscious decision to open up and let go...still, at times, it is not easy, but nonetheless, I am allowing myself to care and give my all to those who I care about. The "what is going to happen tomorrow" doesn't even come into play (well, not as much anymore :)) and I am learning to live for today...and only for today.  I can't worry who is going to be there tomorrow, because life gives us no guarantee.  The only thing I can be sure of is what I have, and for the moment I have it. The rest is all a gamble and I have to decided that the potential happiness is worth the roll of the dice.

Who knows what the rest of the day will bring, let alone the rest of my life. But everyday I wake up, knowing that there is an an amazing plan out there for me...onw which will leave me breathless at every point.

The Road Less Traveled

The Road Not Taken - Robert Frost

TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,

and sorry I could not travel both

And be one traveler, long I stood

And looked down one as far as I could

To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,

And having perhaps the better claim,

Because it was grassy and wanted wear;

Though as for that the passing there

Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay

In leaves no step had trodden black.

Oh, I kept the first for another day!

Yet knowing how way leads on to way,

I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.

This poem by Robert Frost never meant much to me until tonight.  As I sit here and reflect on the last year, I realize that this applies more to me than ever.  A year ago this coming Saturday, I made one of the hardest decisions of my life.  I chose to walk down the road less traveled; the one I had been afraid to do so for along time; the one I knew all along would be right, even though it was so frightening. 

It is amazing at how fear can dictate the decisions that you make. Fear comes in so many shapes and sizes. It wasn't that I was afraid of a person, but I was so afraid of how my decision would not just impact my life, but my childrens' lives as well.  I was equally afraid of the unknown, what would would come, when it would show up, and in what way it would happen. In the last year, I have had to overcome a number of fears and at times fight that urge to run back to what I knew as my life.  I had to learn to not only trust the choices I made, but to trust that I could let others in my life and rely on them as well.  Not one to easily to open up on a very personal level, I think that was just as difficult as moving on was. 

Now as I stand here today, almost one year a changed person, I know without a shadow of a doubt, that path I took was the one that was made for me all along.

Thank you to all those who have stood by me,  loved me and have become my friends.  Without your strength, guidance and support, my boys and I couldn't have done this.  It is true when they say, "A friend is one who believes in you when you have ceased to believe in yourself."  I love you all.


 

Fear Not

"One day at a time--this is enough. Do not look back and grieve over the past for it is gone; and do not be troubled about the future, for it has not yet come. Live in the present, and make it so beautiful it will be worth remembering.”

Nearly a year has past since my life has changed...our lives have changed.  Throughout that year, so many things have happened...I have learned to be stronger, trust more, depend on others and walk just a little taller. Those things, reading them, doesn't sound like such a big deal, but for me, they are monumental. 

I never have been the one to trust others very easy...and trusting myself, wasn't much easier.  Never really knew when the other shoe was going to drop and never had the confidence I needed to stand steadfast behind the decisions I made.  Now, today, I know without a doubt in my mind, that every choice I have made, chance I have taken, leap I have jumped has lead me to this place, where I have needed to be for a very long time.

In the past year, I have learned that some of the biggest letdowns you can face, is not turning to the people who care.  In that time, I have begun letting my guard down and allowing more people to see the real me.  My friends have become my family, some of the most important people in my life, backing me up every step of the way.  To them, I could never be grateful enough.

As I look back at the last year, I could honestly tell you, I never, in a million years, would have thought I would be where I am now.  It's amazing to me how in life you are constantly learning something.   No matter how old you are, whether you feel like you know it all or not, life throws you curve balls and obstacles that you must overcome.  I am grateful for my children, as when my bolt and run instinct kicks in, they keep me grounded, focusing on my priorities.  I pray to always have the confidence that no matter which way I turn I will make the right decisions.

Brotherly Love

There's no other love like the love for a brother. There's no other love like the love from a brother. ~Astrid Alauda

Ha Ha.  Brotherly love or so they say.  How about brotherly torment at such a young age?  In my house my two boys are constantly getting under the other ones skin.  I laugh and say I have the instigator and the informer in my house, and which one they are depends on what is happening at the time.

I remember growing up with my little brother (oh, and he's not so anymore little 6'5" 250lbs.)  He and I fought like cats and dogs.  And like my children now, there were very few times that we actually got along.  My poor mother had to endure countless times of "Mom, Marty stole my....., Mom, Sis hit me."  My mother, no matter how irritated would say, "One day you will become the best of friends, even though you don't like each other that much now."  Of course, neither Marty or I believed that.

As an adult, I have to say, I think my baby brother is one of the most admirable men in the world.  He is compassionate, sensitive, extremely loyal and above all else an amazing father and husband. We may not talk every day, but I know above all else, in my time of need, he will drop everything to make sure my family and me are okay.  It was a long time in the making, but I have so much respect and love for my little brother.

Now as I listen to my two boys yell and argue and torment each other, I am so reminded of my brother and I.  I hear myself saying the same things to them that my mother told us.  And like Marty and me, Tyler and Josh roll their eyes and look at me like I have two heads.  I can only pray, that when they are older, their bond is as strong as two brothers can be and they carry it on through their legacy.