Apology to Those Who Love Me

I know most of my family reads my blog, so I need to say this....

I truly am sorry for the way I have acted as a child and into early adulthood. I now fully understand the reasoning behind everything you ever said to me as well as all the punishments I have ever received.

I can still remember getting caught at 16 years old, by my father, at a gas station, at4:30 in the morning, after I had been out all night (lying about it the whole time.) I can also remember the moment my mother found many sheets tied up in my closet, this time at 18 years old, knowing full well that I shimmied down them, came back up them and managed not to break my neck.

Most importantly I remember the look on their faces.

At the time I thought it was anger, but after seeing the same look, but this time my own, I fully understand the true meaning of that look.

It is the look of imagining every horrible, possible thing that could happen to your child. It is the look of wondering what would you do if you never see them again. It is the look of wondering how would you go on.

Today, for the first time as a parent, I had that look and felt those things. Tyler and his friends went outside, as usual. Within 10 minutes, they were gone. Couldn't find them anywhere. Their mom and I got in our vehicles and we drove around for 30 minutes looking for them, to no avail.

Finally, I called 911. Something I never thought I would have to do.

The one thing I am proud of myself about, is that I could describe to a "T" what Ty was wearing, down to the stripe on his sock, but one thing I am disappointed in myself about, was that I wasn't stronger in that moment.

Every emotion came out of me as I described to the police what my child was wearing. I started shaking immensly when they talked to me about bringing "the dogs" out to find him.

Then the moment came, and we found them (at a neighbor's house that we had been to 3 times before, which is another story in itself.) Shawn actually proved to be calm, where as I barked marching orders to all 3 boys (even though 2 weren't mine, I didn't care.) When I looked at my son's face, I knew I had the "look" my parents wore those nights, and at that moment, I realized that I have fully evolved into my parents... and for that I am glad.

Once again, I am sorry to those who love me, the pain and worry that I ever caused.