Goodbye 2010 - Welcome 2011

The beginning and end of 2010 for me were as polar opposites as day and night.  So many changes, new adjustments, some more difficult than others and a "new family" I have come to love as if they were my own brothers and sisters.

2010 brought the birth of my nephew...another Cesario, infact he truly is the III,to continue the legacy that my father so richly established.  I am so fortunate to still have my father around, and see him with my boys. I have been blessed with him visiting us through the new year.  I am sure when I visit Syracuse in July and see the three Martin Cesario's it will be just as amazing.

As many blessings as my family has had, we have also had our fair share of sadness.  Shawn and I made the tough decision to move on with life without each other.  Though it has been a somewhat difficult time, the boys are transitioning well.  Keeping their needs as my top priority, makes it much easier for them to deal with the change.

The Department, besides my children, has probably been the highlight of 2010 for me.  I can't believe I have been there for over a year already.  Truly, every day, I thank God for putting me in that position.  I never, in my wildest dreams, would have thought that I would come to love the people I work with like I do.  Not only do they they teach me something new everyday, but many of them have really embraced my boys and me, and have become family. How lucky am I to represent the bravest, most selfless people in the world? They risk their lives day in and day out.  I know I am a better person and my boys will be grow to be great for having their influence on them. 

As I look forward to 2011, I know that it will be another year full of changes and excitement.  December 31, 2010 may be the day that I say goodbye to alot of things, but tomorrow I begin the new chapter in my life. 

Happy New Year to all!  God Bless

What is a Firefighter

To honor the guys and girls that I have the fortunate opportunity to work for and all the rest around the world.

What is a Firefighter?

He's the guy next door - a man's man with the memory of a little boy.

He has never gotten over the excitement of engines and sirens and danger.

He's a guy like you and me with wants and worries and unfulfilled dreams.

Yet he stands taller than most of us.

He's a fireman.

He puts it all on the line when the bell rings.

A fireman is at once the most fortunate and the least fortunate of men.

He's a man who saves lives because he has seen too much death.

He's a gentle man because he has seen the awesome power of violence out of control.

He's responsive to a child's laughter because his arms have held too many small bodies that will never laugh again.

He's a man who appreciates the simple pleasures of life - hot coffee held in numb, unbending fingers - a warm bed for bone and muscle compelled beyond feeling - the camaraderie of brave men - the divine peace and selfless service of a job well done in the name of all men.

He doesn't wear buttons or wave flags or shout obscenities.

When he marches, it is to honor a fallen comrade.

He doesn't preach the brotherhood of man.

He lives it.

-Author Unknown

Three's a Crowd...Not Always

The saying always goes, two's company and three's a crowd and for most things I couldn't agree more.  Last night, though, was the exception to the rule.

It is no surprise, that almost every night, Josh, my 4-year-old, asks if he can climb up in bed with me to "snuggle my face."  To be honest with you, it used to drive me crazy, as I am not a fan of anyone that close to my face all the time.  But now, it is really endearing to me, something I will sorely miss as he grows up.

Tyler, on the otherhand, has just turned "double digits" and is too cool to give me a hug or kiss in public and never would he be caught actually admitting that he wanted any snuggle time.  On the rare occasion, though, usually when he is way over-tired, he tends to break his own rules.

After Josh had fallen asleep last night, and I was reading a book in bed, Tyler so quietly snuck into my room.  He asked if I would be more comfortable if he laid down with Josh and I so I wouldn't have to look for him if I needed him.  Of course, I said, he was doing me such a big favor (lol) and he quickly climbed into bed.  He continually asked if I was feeling safer during the thunderstorm, since he was in my room....as I assured him I was fine, I believe he was calming down more and more and letting his fear of the storm leave.

As I laid there with my two boys, I reflected quite a bit on the special times we have had, the times I've been ready to pull my hair out with their arguing and most of all the times we have not yet come to.  I have been so blessed to have my boys and look forward to every day and each new experience we encounter.

The Internal Fight

Years ago I used to be pretty unpredictable. No one really knew if they could count on me to be around.  Kind of marched to my own drum and was a free-spirit by choice.  Change was a welcomed friend, the more things were different, the more I liked them. Didn't let myself attach to many people as I felt that if I did, I would become vulnerable - and eventually hurt. 

Eventually, though, I grew up.

In the past 15 or so years, I really got it together...found out who I was and wanted to be both personally and professionally.  Decided that the people I would let into my life, I would care for unconditionally...being around for those who needed me.  Became comfortable, to an extent, in my own skin, and appreciated the stability of what my life had become.

I have recently come to a crossroads and things are very different for me.  Those I thought I could trust, some turned out to hurt me the most.  Life as I know it has changed very drastically and now I have to begin again, trying to figure out who I am and exactly where I fit in.  Not something that a 37-year-old wants to rediscover. 

I'm not exactly sure how to find a good balance.  Being open, yet closed off enough to not allow the hurt. Trusting, but never to the fullest degree.  Caring, yet knowing that those I care for might be long gone by tomorrow.

It's amazing to me how in life you are constantly learning something.   No matter how old you are, whether you feel like you know it all or not, life throws you curve balls and obstacles that you must overcome.  I am grateful for my boys, as when my bolt and run instinct kicks in, they keep me grounded, focusing on my priorities.  I pray for the internal peace that I so desperately need and have confidence that no matter which way I turn I will make the right decisions.

One Day at a Time

"One day at a time--this is enough. Do not look back and grieve over the past for it is gone; and do not be troubled about the future, for it has not yet come. Live in the present, and make it so beautiful it will be worth remembering.”

Before I Was a Mom

Before I was a Mom -

I slept as late as I wanted and never worried about how late I got into bed. I brushed my hair and my teeth everyday.

Before I was a Mom -

I cleaned my house each day. I never tripped over toys or forgot words to a lullaby. I didn't worry whether or not my plants were poisonous. I never thought about immunizations.

Before I was a Mom -
I had never been puked on - Pooped on - Spit on - Chewed on, or Peed on. I had complete control of my mind and My thoughts. I slept all night.

Before I was a Mom -

I never held down a screaming child so that doctors could do tests...or give shots. I never looked into teary eyes and cried. I never got gloriously happy over a simple grin. I never sat up late hours at night watching a baby sleep.

Before I was a Mom -
I never held a sleeping baby just because I didn't want to put it down. I never felt my heart break into a million pieces when I couldn't stop the hurt. I never knew that something so small could affect my life so much. I never knew that I could love someone so much. I never knew I would love being a Mom.

Before I was a Mom -

I didn't know the feeling of having my heart outside my body. I didn't know how special it could feel to feed a hungry baby. I didn't know that bond between a mother and her child. I didn't know that something so small could make me feel so important.

Before I was a Mom -

I had never gotten up in the middle of the night every 10 minutes to make sure all was okay. I had never known The warmth, The joy, The love, The heartache, The wonderment or the satisfaction of being a Mom.

I didn't know I was capable of feeling so much before I was a Mom.

Bouncing off the Walls

Q.  What do you get when you combine bronchitis, albuterol treatments and a course of steroids?

A.  A four-year-old child bouncing off the walls and a kickin' headache that just won't quit.

The Little Things in Life

I have to tell you.  My four-year-old cracks me up, but just like his big brother, he teaches me something new every day.  Today it is to appreciate the little things in life.

Lately, all I seem to hear is, "Momma, can you get me a surprise today?"  Some days it's yes and others it's no. Recently though, the surprises have become more costly, so they have been fewer and farther between.

This weekend I needed to go to the mall to pick up a few things and Josh had to go with me.  Of course, what that equated to Josh was that the chances for surprise were pretty good.  Unfortunately, the mall we have by our home has very few stores, a couple of big name ones, a book store and some other little ones - none being a toy store.  Joshy and I decided to hit the book store...I needed a new book and I told Tyler I'd pick one up for him as well.  Well Josh, decided a book was NOT what he wanted, but he was going to find some sort of toy. 

After what felt like an eternity shopping for a toy in a book store, Josh found this little balloon-powered wooden boat for $3.95.  I thought it was going to be a little crappy thing, that within a few hours would be broken...but I was wrong.  Since getting that yesterday, he has played with it in the sink for hours, not to mention he actually begged to take a bath (which lately has been a fight.)  This little toy has given him hours of enjoyment and it was such a little thing.

When I went to peek on him playing in the bathroom sink he looked at me with the biggest smile on his face and exclaimed, "This is the best present ever!"  - It's sometimes the little things that brings a smile to our hearts.

Embrace Your Dreams

There are two types of dreams that every person has. There are dreams that we have while we are awake and dreams that we have while we are asleep.

Is there a connection between the two?

Both types of dreams are about the yearnings that are held deep inside our souls. They are illustrations, from the book your soul is writing about you.

Some of these desires are so secret that we dare not share them even with our closest friends. Others are so minor that we hold tight to them, for fear that they will slip away.

The power to dream is so important. It reminds us that there is always a life to work towards, goals to strive for and it allows us to live our life to its fullest.

Embrace your dreams and never give up.

A Time to Reflect on My Boys

It is amazing, as a parent, how the littlest things can put a fear in you, like you've never ever felt. Today, Tyler scared me enough that when I caught my breath, I took time to reflect on both my boys.

It seems like just yesterday, Tyler was telling me that my kisses were "magic kisses," making every boo boo, nightmare or bad feeling just disappear. He would tell me, "Momma, you're my heart." And boy, he had no idea, just how much he was (and still is) my heart as well.


(boys then)

And Joshy, wow, I can't believe he is already nearly five years old. I remember when I started this blog, he was just a baby...now my baby is growing up. While most little ones have a favorite blanket, pacifier or toy as their security, Josh's security was rubbing my face. In the beginning it used to annoy me - I couldn't even move without his hands on my face, but now, as he is getting older, the little rubs, are fewer and farther between...and I am already a little sad.


(boys now)

Today Tyler forgot to take his phone with him when he went out to play with his friends. Well, his friends couldn't seem to find him and that put me into a tailspin. He wasn't at the normal hangouts, and I was ready to call 911, but finally, he showed up. It's not that I am normally that panicky, but as my children get older, the more dangers I see out there and the more I hope that the lessons I have taught them, will protect them in life.

Children do change your life, and I blessed every moment that I am with them.