The Internal Fight

Years ago I used to be pretty unpredictable. No one really knew if they could count on me to be around.  Kind of marched to my own drum and was a free-spirit by choice.  Change was a welcomed friend, the more things were different, the more I liked them. Didn't let myself attach to many people as I felt that if I did, I would become vulnerable - and eventually hurt. 

Eventually, though, I grew up.

In the past 15 or so years, I really got it together...found out who I was and wanted to be both personally and professionally.  Decided that the people I would let into my life, I would care for unconditionally...being around for those who needed me.  Became comfortable, to an extent, in my own skin, and appreciated the stability of what my life had become.

I have recently come to a crossroads and things are very different for me.  Those I thought I could trust, some turned out to hurt me the most.  Life as I know it has changed very drastically and now I have to begin again, trying to figure out who I am and exactly where I fit in.  Not something that a 37-year-old wants to rediscover. 

I'm not exactly sure how to find a good balance.  Being open, yet closed off enough to not allow the hurt. Trusting, but never to the fullest degree.  Caring, yet knowing that those I care for might be long gone by tomorrow.

It's amazing to me how in life you are constantly learning something.   No matter how old you are, whether you feel like you know it all or not, life throws you curve balls and obstacles that you must overcome.  I am grateful for my boys, as when my bolt and run instinct kicks in, they keep me grounded, focusing on my priorities.  I pray for the internal peace that I so desperately need and have confidence that no matter which way I turn I will make the right decisions.