What is a Firefighter

To honor the guys and girls that I have the fortunate opportunity to work for and all the rest around the world.

What is a Firefighter?

He's the guy next door - a man's man with the memory of a little boy.

He has never gotten over the excitement of engines and sirens and danger.

He's a guy like you and me with wants and worries and unfulfilled dreams.

Yet he stands taller than most of us.

He's a fireman.

He puts it all on the line when the bell rings.

A fireman is at once the most fortunate and the least fortunate of men.

He's a man who saves lives because he has seen too much death.

He's a gentle man because he has seen the awesome power of violence out of control.

He's responsive to a child's laughter because his arms have held too many small bodies that will never laugh again.

He's a man who appreciates the simple pleasures of life - hot coffee held in numb, unbending fingers - a warm bed for bone and muscle compelled beyond feeling - the camaraderie of brave men - the divine peace and selfless service of a job well done in the name of all men.

He doesn't wear buttons or wave flags or shout obscenities.

When he marches, it is to honor a fallen comrade.

He doesn't preach the brotherhood of man.

He lives it.

-Author Unknown

Three's a Crowd...Not Always

The saying always goes, two's company and three's a crowd and for most things I couldn't agree more.  Last night, though, was the exception to the rule.

It is no surprise, that almost every night, Josh, my 4-year-old, asks if he can climb up in bed with me to "snuggle my face."  To be honest with you, it used to drive me crazy, as I am not a fan of anyone that close to my face all the time.  But now, it is really endearing to me, something I will sorely miss as he grows up.

Tyler, on the otherhand, has just turned "double digits" and is too cool to give me a hug or kiss in public and never would he be caught actually admitting that he wanted any snuggle time.  On the rare occasion, though, usually when he is way over-tired, he tends to break his own rules.

After Josh had fallen asleep last night, and I was reading a book in bed, Tyler so quietly snuck into my room.  He asked if I would be more comfortable if he laid down with Josh and I so I wouldn't have to look for him if I needed him.  Of course, I said, he was doing me such a big favor (lol) and he quickly climbed into bed.  He continually asked if I was feeling safer during the thunderstorm, since he was in my room....as I assured him I was fine, I believe he was calming down more and more and letting his fear of the storm leave.

As I laid there with my two boys, I reflected quite a bit on the special times we have had, the times I've been ready to pull my hair out with their arguing and most of all the times we have not yet come to.  I have been so blessed to have my boys and look forward to every day and each new experience we encounter.

The Internal Fight

Years ago I used to be pretty unpredictable. No one really knew if they could count on me to be around.  Kind of marched to my own drum and was a free-spirit by choice.  Change was a welcomed friend, the more things were different, the more I liked them. Didn't let myself attach to many people as I felt that if I did, I would become vulnerable - and eventually hurt. 

Eventually, though, I grew up.

In the past 15 or so years, I really got it together...found out who I was and wanted to be both personally and professionally.  Decided that the people I would let into my life, I would care for unconditionally...being around for those who needed me.  Became comfortable, to an extent, in my own skin, and appreciated the stability of what my life had become.

I have recently come to a crossroads and things are very different for me.  Those I thought I could trust, some turned out to hurt me the most.  Life as I know it has changed very drastically and now I have to begin again, trying to figure out who I am and exactly where I fit in.  Not something that a 37-year-old wants to rediscover. 

I'm not exactly sure how to find a good balance.  Being open, yet closed off enough to not allow the hurt. Trusting, but never to the fullest degree.  Caring, yet knowing that those I care for might be long gone by tomorrow.

It's amazing to me how in life you are constantly learning something.   No matter how old you are, whether you feel like you know it all or not, life throws you curve balls and obstacles that you must overcome.  I am grateful for my boys, as when my bolt and run instinct kicks in, they keep me grounded, focusing on my priorities.  I pray for the internal peace that I so desperately need and have confidence that no matter which way I turn I will make the right decisions.

One Day at a Time

"One day at a time--this is enough. Do not look back and grieve over the past for it is gone; and do not be troubled about the future, for it has not yet come. Live in the present, and make it so beautiful it will be worth remembering.”